Sad past, happy future?
by aforrest
Summary: Harm contemplates his life when he gets a surprise visitor. Set after Harm is let go by the CIA. This is not a Harm/Mac shipper story.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: It's time**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own JAG or its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

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"Honey, you've got to see that", the grey haired woman yelled to her daughter.

The younger woman came into the living room and sat down on the couch next to her mother. She had been visiting her family's home for a few days before she would start a new job the following week.

_"We're reporting to you from aboard the USS Seahawk in the Gulf of Sidra. This was the scene 20 minutes ago, when Harmon Rabb Jr. and an unidentified co-pilot along with the crew with the Seahawk completed an incredible feet, safely landing a huge C-130 transport aboard this aircraft carrier. We don't have any details yet on what Mr. Rabb, formerly with the US Navy was doing or what prompted this landing. But as soon as we have those details, we'll pass them on to you"_

"Oh, Harm. What have you done now?" The younger woman said.

"You're going to talk to him?" Her mother asked.

The younger ones "I don't know" was emphasized with a shrug of her shoulders.

"You can't avoid him forever. You start your new job on Monday." The mother pointed out to her daughter.

"Mom, didn't you hear what the commentator said? He said that Harm wasn't in the Navy anymore. So, he won't be at JAG."

"Still, you have to talk to him. If not for him, than for yourself. You can't keep it all bottled up on the inside. Besides what will happen if he comes to see his old friends at JAG? Really, honey, I don't think that you can hide from him forever."

The daughter sighed. She knew in her heart that her mother was right. They had talked about it a lot in the past years. It was time that she had that particular talk with Harm. Her mother had seen the moment, her daughter had made the decision and decided to push a bot more.

"So, go tomorrow and talk to him. When you start your on Monday you will be too busy. If you talk to him before Monday, it will be over and you can concentrate solely on your job."

The younger woman didn't really need to think about for long. The NAVY woman sighed deeply. "Oh, mom. He'll hate me. We haven't spoken in years. Then, when we do, I'll break his heart." She began to sob. Her mother took her daughter in her arms and tried to sooth her.

"Oh, no, darling. Just tell him the truth. Just tell him the truth and he'll understand", she said out loud while silently praying that Harm really would understand.

* * *

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington, DC**

Harmon Rabb jr. was feeling sorry for himself AND that didn't happen very often. True, the last year had been difficult for him.

He was charged (again) for a murder that he had not committed; he had felt forced to resign from the NAVY to go on a rescue mission of a friend who then crushed his heart. After that he had started a new dangerous job which he lost again just a few days ago. _Yeah, I had better times, _Harm thought, _but also worse. _In fact he had lived a tough life until now.

Firstly, there was the loss of his father. The events of that fateful Christmas Eve had haunted him all his life until he had found out the truth a couple of years ago. Of course, he still grieved his father's death. Nonetheless he had finally settled the demons of not knowing what actually had happened to him. Though, he still had nightmares from his trip to Vietnam…

Secondly, there was his ramp strike, the following investigation and the rehabilitation. It had been a dark time. Harm had survived just barely and had been injured severely. He remembered the day the doctors had told him that there was only a slim chance that he would walk ever again. However, Harm was a fighter - so he fought. Neither his doctors nor his family had actually encouraged him. In fact they tried to gently force him to accept his injuries. That had impelled him only to work harder at his rehabilitation. Then, after a few months he had proven them all wrong – he had walked out the rehabilitation center on his own foot.

After he had his physical problems more or less solved – he still carried the scars on his back – he had to battle his psychological problems - meaning his guilt. Although he was cleared of all wrong doing, he still had to live with the fact that his illness had cost his RIOs - more importantly his friend's - life. He will have to live with that knowledge until the day he dies.

In addition to those problems, he had to decide what to with his life, now that his days as a pilot were over. It was during those weeks on his grams farm that he decided to study law. Now with a new 'target' on hand, he threw himself in his studies. In the end he had remarkable success. Not only had he finished first of his class, but in only a short time did he make a name for himself as one of JAGs best lawyers.

His career was thriving and he had made a few good friends. Although they had only worked together a short time, he and Kate eventually had become 'close'. Then again his relationship – if you can call it that - was nothing compared to his friendship with Meg. They had it hit off on their first meeting. Their time together had been a rollercoaster of emotions. They had a lot of fun together doing different things from flying SARAH and going out to dance. She was a wonderful person and an even better friend who stood by him in difficult times, like when Harm had been captured and tortured in China. His deep connection to Meg was the reason why Harm had been so devastated when she had been shot. He hadn't slept much until he tracked the assassin – Hemlock - down.

Even though his search of his father was still ongoing, Harm had felt a sense of contentment at that time. Life should have gotten even better, when suddenly it was torn away from him. He was supposed to meet with his longtime friend Diane and spent her leave together. They finally wanted to talk about a possible life together. They had known that they gad feelings for each other, but regulations and deployments had kept them apart. It was one of the darkest moments of his life when NCIS Agent Turkey mentioned the name of the murder victim whose death Meg and Harm had been sent to investigate. So, instead of talking about marriage and kids, Harm had to look at Diane's bloodied body in the bag.

It got worse when the slimy NCIS Agent produced his so called evidence and arrested Harm for the murder of his friend. He would always be thankful to Meg who had managed to prove his innocence in no time. She had also been there to support him in the early days of his heartache. However, one day Meg had disappeared and he was told that he'd get a new partner.

Harm cursed the day he met Sarah MacKenzie. Although she looked like her, her personality wasn't anything like that of Diane. The following months had been difficult for him. The wounds from his loss were still fresh and the fact that his new partner looked like his dead friend didn't help him to overcome his grief. Nonetheless they managed to become friends and in time they even grew close. After a while Harm acknowledged to himself that he was attracted to the Marine, but he also knew that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. That was one reason why he suggested the baby deal. At that time he really had thought that they could make it work. He knew that they both had personal demons that they needed to lay to rest first. In his mind five years would give them the time for that and deepen their friendship.

It was with her help that Harm finally found out the truth about his father. For that he would be forever thankful to Mac. When he had the chance to fly F-14 again, he gladly took it. He needed to take that chance so that he could put to rest another of his demons. And he did just that. Harm had been at peace with himself when he made the decision to return to JAG. He had proven to him, to every pilot on board and to the higher-ups that he still could fly with the best of them. Moreover the time on board of a carrier and a lot of talks with his RIO had helped him to finally put Diane's ghost to rest.

Still, he had to pay a heavy price for all his personal (and professional) accomplishes. In his wildest dreams Harm had not thought that his friends would take his change of designator as a betrayal – but they did. So, after he'd returned to JAG his life was once again in shackles. It was during that time that Mac had propositioned him in Sydney. Although he was on his way to get his life back in order so that he and Mac would have a real chance of a future together, he knew that they both weren't there yet. However, Mac had taken his 'not yet' as a rejection. A day later she broke his heart when she had shown up at the airport with a ring on her finger and kissing Bugme in front of him.

Well, this was one part of his life which Harm wasn't really proud of. He had not always acted like a gentleman and made a lot of mistakes during Mac's and Bugme's relationship. One of them was that fateful promise that nearly killed himself and Skates. That was something he still hadn't forgiven himself for and probably never would. Harm had hoped that he and Mac could take a chance to become close after Bugme had gone back to Australia. But once again Mac had turned away from him. Literally. Then on the Guadalcanal she hadn't even waited five seconds for his answer. She ran away and hid behind her rank.

From then on he couldn't really shake the feeling of being left behind. Which only got stronger while he was sitting in his cell during Singer's murder trial. Beside his lawyer nobody had come to visit him. That had hurt him deeply. For all the faults Harm knew he had, he never left anybody behind. For him these weren't just words, he took them to heart.

That's one of the reasons he had given up nearly twenty years of service in the NAVY - and not to forget a large sum of his own money. He had risked his own life to rescue Mac and a man he who had been somewhat of a 'friend'. He had actually thought that Mac would see his actions for what they were: the answer to her question on the Guadalcanal. He had not only been willing to risk his life but had given up his entire career in the Navy - and not just flying tomcats. An act which she didn't appreciate - until this day she hadn't even thanked him. In fact Sarah MacKenzie crushed his heart once again when she had said those fateful words: _"Things are never gonna work out between us." _These words had hurt him even more than the words the Admiral said to him. Although those stung too, he had been prepared for the fact that the Admiral would process his resignation.

His time with the Agency had been short but very exciting. While he knew that he wasn't cut out to be a field agent, he really had enjoyed the possibility of flying different planes – especially the Aurora. Wow, what an experience that had been.

Though, all that was all history. Now he was without a job and alone - again. Harm knew that his chances to become a father and actually enjoy being a father before he was too old, were pretty slim. After Diane's death he had tried to find happiness with other women but all those relationships had failed for one reason or another. Subsequently Harm had realized that his relationship with Annie wouldn't have worked even if he hadn't taken Josh to the tiger cruise. Her hatred for the NAVY would have been too big of a problem for them down the line.

That was one fact that attracted him to Jordan – she was a sailor, too. Once in a while he had actually thought about the possibility of a family with her. That was why he was surprised and hurt when she had broken things off with him. He truly hadn't thought that she would not accept that part of him. Although she had been a psychologist and had constantly analysed him, she clearly had not understood him and his love (and need) for flying.

Then there was Renée. He truthfully had liked her but he was well aware of the fact that he would never marry her!

So, here he was single and fighting with his male pride. In his desire for a family he had made Catherine a proposition the night before which she rejected instantly. To be honest, Harm could understand the reason that she didn't want to get involve in his mess with Mac. Though, the fact that he would willingly accept a ready-made family had seemed to turned her off. Weren't women always complaining about the fact that there weren't enough men who wanted to settle down and have a family? However, Catherine Gail, a single mother to-be, had rejected him for that precise reason. That truly puzzled him…

These were the things Harmon Rabb jr. was musing over when he sat on his couch with the guitar in his hands. He reached for the bottle of beer and realized that it was as empty as the other two bottles in front of him on the couch table. Normally he limited himself to three bottles but today he didn't feel like stopping. So, Harm got up and wandered towards the fridge. He was in the middle of the room when he heard a knock on the door. Harm stopped for a moment and wandered who that might be. He didn't await anyone. He shrugged and went to answer the door. He looked through the keyhole and was shocked to see the woman on the other side of the door.

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A/N: So, any ideas who the woman on the other side of the door might be? Any guesses what she 'wants' to tell Harm?

I'd really appreciate it, if you could take a moment and leave me review. But keep in mind this is my first time. So, please be gentle!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N 1: Thank you so much for your reviews on my first chapter and your PMs. I am truly touched by your kind and encouraging words. I sincerely hope that you'll enjoy the next part of this story as well.

A/N 2: I actually read and re-read the first chapter multiple times. However, I realised that I'd missed a lot of mistakes. For that I am truly sorry. So, I took the time to work the first chapter over once again. Maybe you can read it again and tell me what you think. Please?

steamboat: Ensign Elizabeth Lane? Really? I didn't see that one coming. But it gave me an idea for a future fic. I put it on my growing and growing and growing (you get the gist?) list of possible topics…

So, that's enough from me for now. Go on then, read and find out who the 'mysterious' woman is and what she has to tell Harm.

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**Chapter 2: A sad story**

To say that Harm was just shocked to see the woman who stood on the other side of the door was the understatement of the decade – or, better yet, of the last two decades. Harm took a deep breath and opened the door. For a moment he just stood there and looked at the woman without saying a word. The woman risked a glance at Harms face but remained silent as well. She held her breath in anticipation of his reaction to her visit. There was no smile, in fact his face was void of any emotion. A mask had crept onto his face. Then again, it didn't seem that he would verbally lash out at her or worse, slam the door into her face. That gave her a little hope.

"Hiya, Harm."

"Meg?" His breath caught in his throat, so Harm's greetings of his former partner was barely a whisper. _Well, that could've been worse_, Meg thought. She waited a moment but then Harm didn't say anything else, she took initiative.

"Uhh, Harm, ain't you going to invite me in?" She asked with a nervous smile and a tight edge to her voice.

"Oh, sure, I mean, of course." Harm acted on auto-pilot when he stood aside to allow his former partner to enter his home. Meg immediately scanned her surroundings and took in the unfamiliar interior. The last time she was here, he had still been renovating. He decided to move after his previous apartment had been shot at and destroyed by the then Thai ambassador's Chief of security.

Harm couldn't help but run a quick visual check of her. She was still as beautiful as remembered. _Age has agreed with her_, Harm thought. Though, he still couldn't believe that Meg Austin was standing in his apartment.

"This is a nice apartment, Harm, it's way better than your last." Meg said out loud, while silently thinking that it really suited him. Her words shook Harm out of his reverie. "Thanks."

Meg sensed his gaze on her and turned around. She had been keenly anticipating this visit and the following talk. In true lawyer fashion she had prepared on opening statement. In light of Harms ambivalent welcome so far, she decided to tread carefully. She just wanted to start when Harm held up his hands.

"I'm sure you didn't come here after all those years only to pay me compliments about my living arrangements. Before we go into the real reason you're here, I'm gonna need a coffee." Harm turned his head to his coffee table where the group of beer bottles stood. Meg followed his gaze and nodded, indicating that she understood him. Though, the truth was that Harm needed some time to find his bearings.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Harm asked, not forgetting his manners.

Meg thought for a moment. "A cup of coffee would be nice."

"Ok, just a minute. Go and take a pew." Harm waived his hands indicating that Meg should sit down on his couch.

He went behind the kitchen island and began to make their coffees. By unspoken agreement both remained silent which gave them both the time to calm their nerves. After a few minutes Harm went back to his couch with two cups of coffee in his hands. He gave Meg her cup.

"Thanks." Meg took a careful sip, it was hot. Suddenly, a thought struck her. He hadn't asked her how she liked her coffee. That meant that he still remembered it even after all those years. She had to smile at that. Harm's next words promptly rubbed the smile from her face.

"So, Meg, what do you want?" He instantly realized that his words didn't sound very friendly, so he soften it by continuing. "I mean, not that I'm not happy to see you. I'm just surprised. It's been a long time." This time he didn't mind that his words sounded sad. Meg sighed. _Here goes nothing, _she thought.

"I saw you on TV the other night."

"Apparently, so did everyone else." Harm shrugged with his shoulders. This action indicated for Meg that Harm's statement wasn't supposed to be a dig against her.

"Well, I really like to know the story behind that stunt, though that is not why I'm here. Harm, when I saw you on TV, I realised that it's been nearly eight years since we last had spoken. I thought, it was time that I come and see you and tell you the reason why I had disappeared all those years ago."

Now it was Harm who sighed. "Yeah, it's been a while. And I really like to know why you disappeared on me. I mean, I called you repeatedly and even went by your apartment a few times. When your mother couldn't or wouldn't tell me anything, I accepted that you didn't want to speak to me. So I stopped trying to contact you."

Meg could clearly hear the sadness and the anger in Harms voice. He focused his eyes on her and noticed the painful expression on her face, when she answered. "I know and I'm sorry. I really am."

Meg was losing control over her emotions, her eyes darted down on her hands. She couldn't look him in the eyes. When Harm saw that, he moved to take her in his arms to comfort her. Meg felt him moving and looked up. When she realised his intention, she hold her hands up. "Please, don't."

Harm looked slightly hurt at that. "Sorry, Meg." He promptly retreated from her but she grabbed his arms.

"No, it's ok. This is not easy for me and if you hold me in your arms now, I'll lose the rest of my control of my emotions. Then I won't be able to tell you everything I came here to tell you. Ok?" Harm nodded. Meg took a deep breath and continued to tell her story.

"A few days after your friend's funeral - while you were visiting your Grams - I was approached by some government official. He told me that he was in charge of a classified project. He said that they needed someone with advanced computer skills. Apparently my name had popped up because of my previous stint in weapons and computer R&D." Meg paused for a moment remembering the meeting.

Harm who had been quiet until now thought he knew what was coming next. "So you took the job." It wasn't a question. His tone, however, held a note of accusation which didn't escape Meg.

She replied instantly. "No, I didn't. At least not at first."

Harm hadn't expected that. "So what made you change your mind?"

"Harm, it's difficult enough to tell you all this. It'll be easier if you stop interrupting me and just let me tell the story."

"Sorry, Meg. Go on, then." He gave her an apologetically smile.

"As I said, at first I'd declined his offer. Although it was very tempting. Then again, I had been posted at JAG only for about a year. I'd studied law for a reason and was very happy to be posted at JAG Headquarter so early in my career." Harm nodded, he had thought the same thing about his own luck earlier this evening. Meg continued. "And it was quite a year: we stopped a few terrorist plots, saved people and caught a few murderers. All in all, I had the time of my life." Meg paused for a moment. "Well, I could've done without getting shot in the head though."

"Yeah, me too." Harm murmured more to himself. Meg had heard it anyway and looked at him. He had a faraway expression on his face. She thought that he was remembering the days she had been shot and fallen into a coma. Meg didn't want him to dwell anymore on those days. There would be enough to dwell on later on.

"Anyway, this guy didn't want to take 'no' for an answer." Meg paused for a moment and looked at Harm. She wanted to make sure that he understood the meaning of her next words. "He told me that what had happened to you after your friend…"

"Diane." Harm said flatly. Meg just nodded and went on.

"He told me that what had happened to you after Diane had been murdered could happen again. That they could make sure that your career would take another hit."

"He said what?!" Harm just looked at her incredulous. Until now he had just been curious about the things Meg wanted to tell him. Now he was getting angry.

"Haaarmm.." Although he could understand his outburst, Meg was frustrated with Harm's interruption.

"Sorry, it's just, I can't believe that."

"YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?" Meg erupted and quickly stood up. Harm did the same.

"No. Yes. Of course I do." Harm breathed deeply. "Meg, it may be a while since we last have spoken but I know that you wouldn't lie to me about something like that. Besides, you have no reason to do so after so many years. What I meant is that I can't believe that they threatened me."

Meg could see in his eyes that he wasn't lying and calmed instantaneously at his words.

"I understand. I really do. But please, try to relax. 'Cause it gets worse."

"How so?" Harm asked curiously. He couldn't think of anything that a government official could say to her that was worse than threatening the career of someone close to you. They wanted her to work for them, so they wouldn't threaten her own career or even her life.

"Well, I don't know what he'd seen in my facial expression but his next words didn't leave me with much of a choice that to accept his 'offer'." Meg paused again and took another deep breath to control her rising anger. She hadn't sat down again, instead she was now pacing around in Harm's apartment. Harm didn't say anything, just waited for Meg to continue. It was obvious that his friend needed a moment (yes, even after so many years without contact, Harm still saw her as a friend).

Her next words shocked him once again. "He told me that they could easily arrange an accident for my mother or brothers."

"WHAT?!" Now it was Harm's turn to erupt. "He threatened your family?" That story seemed far-fetched, though he knew that his former partner would not lie about something like that.

"Well, he didn't use those exact words but the gist of what he said was pretty clear." Meg said pointblank.

"That's …" He couldn't find the word but was now pacing, too. Although he had a rather problematic past with the staff from other government agencies (FBI and NCIS had accused him of murder, the CIA, well, better not go there…), Harm hadn't thought that a government official would go so far as threaten a family member of a fellow serviceman – or in that instant- servicewoman.

"You see, I didn't actually have a choice. So we went to my apartment, packed a few things and left to a classified location. After a few days I was allowed to call my mother and tell her that I didn't work at JAG any longer and that my current duties were classified." Meg had stopped her pacing and let herself fall on the couch. The next part would be the REALLY hard part.

"I had worked there for a couple of weeks, when I didn't feel well. At first, it was just nausea, but when I got tired all the time, I went to a doctor. He told me, that I was pregnant." All anger had drained out of her. Harm looked at Meg in astonishment. She now had a painful expression on her face, her emotions barely suppressed. An inner instincttold him that Meg would be needing him in a minute. So he sat down next to her on the couch. Something else was nagging him in the back of his mind and he dreaded what she would say next.

Finally, Meg continued, her words weary of all emotions. "As you can imagine, I was shocked. I wanted to tell you personally, so I requested to see you. They said they would get back to me. Then a few days later some guy from the State department came to see me. He showed me a picture of you. You were hugging a woman. A woman that looked like Diane." Meg was rambling now, her tone barely a whisper. "It hurt so deeply. I knew our night together wasn't anything either of us had planned, we weren't in love, you were grieving and it just happened. But when I saw that picture, your happy faces…" Meg paused a second. "Then the guy told me that you and this woman were 'close', that you had moved on. It hit me hard. Together with the stress about the new post, the circumstances how I got it, it was just too much…I collapsed!" Meg paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "I lost the baby, Harm, I lost our baby." With those words Meg broke down in tears.

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A/N: Wow, that was quite hard. I realise that this is a difficult subject, so I actually don't want to go deeper into this topic. Then again, I had to point out that Meg had a sad past, too.

Thank you for reading! Please, review and tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**The Talk**

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A/N: Once again I want to thank you for your reviews and your PMs. I am absolutely thrilled that you all seem to like this story.

However, as I have pointed out in several PMs, I had planned this story to end after four chapters. Some of asked me to continue it. As of now, I haven't decided what I'm going to do. However, I am going to publish the next chapters as I had previously planned.

* * *

"I lost the baby, Harm, I lost our baby." With those words Meg broke down in tears. Harm's entire body froze, Meg's confession had stunned him completely. Harm, though, didn't have much time to think about his own feelings because a crying Meg had thrown herself into his arms. Now he was holding a friend in deep, soul-searing pain. A friend who needed him, so Harm did what he had done many times before – he put away his own feelings to deal with at later time. There would be a time and a place to delve into them but it was not this moment. He cradled her head against him as she cried for their lost child.

Meg's head was tucked in under his chin and resting on his chest. Harm's right hand was rubbing up and down her back. She sobbed long and bitterly, thoroughly soaking the front of Harm's shirt as he held her tight. He soothed her hair but didn't say a word. He knew that he could not find the right words that would spend Meg any kind of comfort at this moment. So he just held her for a while.

After a few minutes it seemed that her tears had finally ceased.

"Harm?" Meg murmured his name but received no answer or acknowledgement. She raised her eyes to his and what she saw in them made Meg catch her breath. He hadn't said anything until now but she thought she saw anger, desperation and even doubt in them.

"Harm, please don't hate me!" She pleaded desperately and tried to sit up. Harm, though, didn't release her of his hold, in fact he grabbed her a bit tighter.

"Shh, Meg. I don't hate you." Harm replied, his voice thick of emotions.

"You promise?" She sounded like a small child.

"I promise!" He looked her in the eyes, his heart breaking as her face showed the signs of a long bout of tears. He didn't even have to think about that. Whatever he felt, he sure as hell didn't hate Meg for losing their baby. He also didn't have a shred of doubt about his paternity. It had been his baby, he was sure of it.

His promise seemed to have a calming effect on Meg. Harm noticed her drooping eyes and made a decision.

"Meg, I know we have a lot to talk about but you're tired. Why don't you go ahead and lay down? We can talk more tomorrow. You are in no condition to drive anyway."

Meg didn't even think about protesting. The anticipation of her visit and then her confession had left her bone tired. Her "I know" was accompanied with a big yawn.

"Ok. Why don't you go and freshen up. I'll dig you out a T-shirt or something." With that Harm stood up. Meg grabbed his hands and looked up to him.

"Thank you, Harm." They both knew that she didn't mean his T-shirt. Harm didn't say anything, he just nodded.

A few minutes later both were ready to sleep. Harm had grabbed a blanket which he planned to use on the couch. He glanced at his couch and sighed. He knew from past experiences that the couch wasn't very comfortable to sleep on. His back would be hurting the next day. Just the thought of spending a night on it filled him with dread. At the same moment Meg stepped out of the bathroom. She was dressed in old sweatpants and a T-Shirt. She had no difficulties to interpret Harm's look to the couch. "You don't plan to sleep on the couch, do you?"

"Uhhh…."

"Come on, Harm. That thing doesn't look very comfortable to sleep on. Besides, it isn't like we haven't slept together. In a bed, I mean….Sorry."

"It's ok, Meg. I know what you mean. Come on then."

They went into Harm's bedroom. There was no hesitation from either one, no sexual tension and therefore no awkwardness. Tonight they were just two friends who had an emotional evening and were seeking solace in each other arms.

Once Meg was safely under the duvet, Harm slipped into bed beside her and turned off the light. As he laid down on his back Meg moved towards him. So he pulled her down until her head rested on his chest. Meg made a vague wordless sound which Harm interpreted as signifying contentment. That in turn forced a small grin on his face. Within seconds Meg's breathing deepened and slowed as she fell into a deep sleep, snoring softly.

* * *

Harm remembered the last time he had held her in his arms like this. Despite what other people thought about him (or like Mac accused him of), he was neither a prude nor a womanizer. Although the liked to play with the role of cocky NAVY pilot and his Gold Wings, he rarely had one-nights-stands. Maybe it was because of his upbringing, perhaps it was of what had happened to Gym when he was younger. For him there had to be a connection to a woman before he would have sex with her. Therefore there weren't many women he had slept with outside of a long-term relationship. There were one or two women from when he was younger, his old partner Kate Pike, the Romanian princess and, obviously, Meg.

It was like she said earlier, it just had happened. It was after Diane's funeral. Harm had to bite back his chuckle. Even in his mind it sounded like a bad cliché. Sturgis, Keeter and Harm had gone out to have a few drinks and talk about the good old days with Diane. As a thank you for helping out Harm after he had been arrested, his friends had asked Meg to join them. Because Sturgis and Keeter had to return to their posts early in the following morning, they had left Harm and Meg on their own.

They had gone back to Harm's apartment where they had talked some more. They both had felt the attraction before but had never acted on it. This time however they did. Although they both hadn't been drunk, the alcohol had lowered their normal inhibitions. So it happened. And it happened again and once again throughout the night.

The morning after had been slightly awkward at first but they had found back to their easier companionship in no time. Although they liked each other very much, both knew that they weren't in love and they also knew that this could not happen again. Their careers were on the line as it was. There was no doubt on either mind that if Krennick had suspected anything, she would have gone after them ruthlessly and without hesitation. So they decided to be careful for a while. It was a good thing that Harm had planned to visit his Grams for a few days. After that, they would go back to their easy friendship. Or so they had thought. Nobody could have predicted that it would take years until they would talk again. _And what a talk it had been_, Harm mused. The events of the evening had taken a toll on him. In the quite of the night he had the time to think about the bombshell Meg had thrown on him. So it took him some time until he fell asleep early in the morning.

* * *

When Harm returned to the real world he felt a weight on his chest. Still a bit disorientated, he couldn't put the feeling together right away. He blinked his eyes open and groaned when the morning light hit his eyes. He rubbed his temples hoping against hope that this would lighten his forming headache. Harm looked down and found Meg Austin lying partially on top of him, her sleep-flushed face nestled on his chest. In a flash the events of previous evening came flooding back on him. Meg's surprise visit and their conversation which ended with her confession. A wave of emotions washed over him and he groaned again. He knew that they would have to continue the talk later. However, he still didn't know what to tell her. The memory of little Sarah's death was still vivid in his mind. He remembered the pain the Roberts had felt but at least they had had each other to turn to. Meg on the other hand had to deal with her miscarriage alone, she had no one who could share the pain of losing their child. Oh, Harm had no doubt that her family had been there for her. But still, he didn't think that this was the same. He dreaded their conversation. So he laid back, closed his eyes and relished the peaceful quiet before Meg would wake up.

A few minutes later Harm felt movement and looked down again. He could see that Meg was waking up. Her journey to wakefulness however was pretty slow. When she stirred and stretched she realized that she was laying half on someone's body. That realization startled Meg and she blinked open her eyes. As Harm had done before her she groaned when the morning light hit her eyes. She turned her head and looked up to find Harm watching her. She instantly remembered the previous evening. The look on Harm's face was difficult to interpret though. At this moment, she didn't know what to do. So she decided to take it easy.

"Hey. What time is it?" Meg asked, her voice still husky from sleep.

Harm looked to his alarm clock. "Morning, Meg. It's almost 0800."

"Thanks" Meg let her head fall on his chest. _There is no time like the present_, she thought. "So, Harm, about what I said yesterday…."

"Wait, Meg", Harm interrupted what she was about to say. "Let's freshen up and have breakfast first."

Meg sighed. "Harm, you can't table the conversation indefinitely. We have to talk about it sometime", she said softly. Although she silently wished that they didn't have to talk about it anymore at all. However, now that she had told him, she could not put that particular genie back in the bottle.

"I know, Meg, but I don't think that we should have this conversation with an empty stomach. Besides, a few more minutes won't hurt us."

"Your right. But then no more delaying. I don't like to talk about this any more than you do." Meg stated.

"When did you get so bossy?" Harm tried to lighten the mood.

"Oh, that came with my promotion to Commander."

At that Harm sat up. "You're a Commander know?" He asked astonished but then his face broke into a full flyboy smile. "Congratulations, Commander Austin." He said earnestly and hugged a surprised Meg who couldn't suppress a little squeal.

"Thank you, Harm". After a few seconds he relinquished her. "Come on, let's get the show on the road."

* * *

Harm showered first so that he could prepare breakfast when Meg would be in the bathroom. After she finished her shower, she grabbed the fresh track pants and t-shirt Harm had laid out for her earlier. She hadn't planned to spend the night at his apartment and didn't want to put back on her clothes from the day before.

"So, when did you get promoted?" Harm wanted the talk to remain as light hearted as possible during their breakfast. The tough topics would come later, whether they wanted or not.

"Oh, a few weeks ago. It was combined with my transfer back to JAG." Meg said somewhat shyly.

"You're posted at JAG Headquarters again?"

"Yeah, but not as a lawyer. I'm posted at the judiciary."

"You're a judge now? How come?" Harm asked curiously.

"Well, after I finished that classified project two years ago, I was posted in London. I did some investigation there but it wasn't the same as before. It lacked something, the thrill was gone. I had to fill in for a judge once or twice and to my own surprise I actually enjoyed it." Meg explained.

"I sat on the bench ones. It was a rather unpleasant experience." Harm said. Meg thought that his voice sounded pretty dull. "Why was that? Not enough excitement for you?"

"Uhh" _So much for easy topics_, Harm thought. He breathed deeply. "When I was a judge, one of the lawyers accused me of bias before the case even had started."

"WHAT? Why the hell did he do that?" Meg asked disbelievingly.

"Actually, it was a she. . Sarah MacKenzie. And for why? I don't really know. Well, she questioned my objectivity because it was a case in which an aviator was accused of killing three and wounding three British Troops in friendly fire. So she asked the Admiral to remove me on the grounds of bias."

"Wow, and what happened?"

"The Admiral refused to remove me from the case. Then Mac asked to be recused from it herself but Chegwidden wouldn't accept that either." Harm explained.

"How did it all end?" Meg was now enthralled in the story.

"My Legalman and I figured out what had happened but we couldn't tell anyone. Later, Coates discovered in her research that "judges must refrain from helping any party that assists their case." So we gave the exculpatory evidence to the prosecutors because it wouldn't help their case. They in turn gave the electro-magnetic resonance report from the AWACs to the defense lawyer. He realized that the generator – which the British soldiers were trying to fix - had sparked, which the pilot had mistaken for gunfire. In the end the accused was found 'not-guilty' However, I thought that his piloting behavior had been inappropriate and ordered a Field Evaluation Board to consider his future as an aviator in combat."

"Wow! That sounded like you had an interesting time."

"Yeah. The SECNAV told me that my first assignment to the bench was…quote 'distinctive'." Harm answered while grinning sheepishly.

There was a pause while both thought about what to say next. It was Meg who broke the short silence.

"So, how come the reporter said that you were a 'formerly with the US-Navy'?" Meg saw Harm's entire body freeze.

"Sorry, that is probably none of my business."

"No, it's not." Harm said slowly. "But I answer you anyway. However, for now only the cliff notes." Meg just nodded.

"Mac - the lawyer I mentioned before - is, well, was, my partner. She is actually the woman who looks like Diane. Anyway, Mac got assigned to a mission with the CIA." His tone clearly conveyed to Meg exactly what he thought about that. "As I had expected, it went wrong. Then, when the Admiral didn't allow me to go after her and try to rescue her, I felt that I had no other option than to resign my commission."

That stunned Meg. This Mac woman clearly was more than just his partner. She had a lot of questions but Harm had said that he would give her only cliff notes. So she decided to ask the other question which bugged her since she had seen the famous news report. "So, how did you end up landing that C-130 transport aboard the aircraft carrier?"

"I'm sorry Meg, I can't tell you much about that, it's classified. The short version is that I had the option of allowing innocent people – women and children - to perish or to land that plane on the desk of the Seahawk. So, I landed it." It was clear that he wouldn't say anything else on this topic either.

Harm had enough of talking about him. He, too, had some questions. "So, what can you tell me about that secret project they coerced you to work on?"

"Not much, obviously. Well, it was a hypersonic reconnaissance aircraft, capable of flying in excess of six times the speed of sound…"

"The AURORA!" Harm interrupted her. "You worked on the AURORA." It wasn't a question.

"How do you..?" Meg started to ask but then answered her own question. "Oh, my god. You flew for the CIA. That's why you can't tell me more about your C-130 landing. You've flown the AURORA, haven't you?" Although the time on the project had brought her so much heartache, she was proud of her work. She had worked on the software of the AURORA but she had never flown with it.

However, Harm hadn't listened to her. In fact, Harm was pacing now. He, too, had connected some dots. "You told me yesterday that someone from the State Department had come to you and shown you the picture of Mac and me. His name was Clayton Webb, wasn't it?"

When hearing the name, Meg's face instantly went pale. For Harm, that was answer enough.

"That no-good, deceiving, s.o.b.. I'm gonna kill him!" If anyone had been able to see Harm's facial expression at that exact moment, he would have had no doubt that Clayton Webb was a dead man walking.

"You know him?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"KNOW HIM? OF COURSE I KNOW HIM." He shouted but when he saw that Meg had flinched and involuntarily taken a step back, he took a very deep breath to calm himself down. "Sorry, Meg."

"No, it's alright. You have a right to be angry."

"Maybe. But you have to believe me, I am not angry with you. Well, at least not for the things that happened to you. However, we can talk about that later."

Meg nodded. "How do you know this Webb guy?"

"That son of…," Harm paused, "he crossed my path several times over the years. The first time was a few weeks after you had left. You remember when the 'Declaration of Independence' was stolen?" Meg nodded again.

"Well, it was his case. He…" Harm stopped talking, then snorted in disgust.

"Harm?" Meg didn't know what just happened.

"It was the first case I worked with Mac who – as it turned out – actually knew the Colonel who had stolen the Declaration. He more or less had tricked the Colonel in stealing it and therefore was responsible for Mac's posting at JAG."

"Oh", was the only thing Meg could say.

"Yeah, 'oh'. Over the years I had to work with him a several times. Almost all of his missions went belly up and nearly killed me and/or Mac a couple of times. He also was responsible for the mission during which Mac had disappeared. When I found her, she was strapped on a table and literally seconds from being tortured with electro shocks." He paused for a moment, stopped moving and then looked straight in Meg's eyes. "He had known about you and the baby for all those years but didn't say a thing. How could he do that?" His voice was thick with emotions. Meg went to him and took him in her arms. They were standing in the middle of Harm's apartment and hugging each other in comfort. Now, that they were on topic Harm asked the question that had bugged him since Meg's confession the evening before.

"Why didn't you tell me before? Didn't you think I had the right to know?" He whispered in her ears. Meg had known all too well that he would ask this particular question eventually.

"That is why you're angry with me, isn't it? Because I've waited years to tell you." Her voice was as even and low as Harm's. Meg felt him nod but he say anything. She still hadn't answered his question. Her voice was small when she finally did, "I was heartbroken. And scared. And even angry with you."

That completely surprised Harm and he took a step back to look her in the eyes and silently asked her to continue.

"At first, I just wasn't able to do anything at all. Then, after the pain had lessened a bit, I thought about telling you. However, we hadn't been in a relationship. And after I had left you without a notice, I didn't want to spring that news on you out of the blue." Meg was rambling now. "Moreover, I thought that you were still grieving Diane and I didn't want to burden you anymore. Besides, you couldn't have done anything for me." She paused for a moment. When she started to talk again, she didn't meet his eyes.

"Then I saw you on TV with this woman – Mac?" Harm nodded. "It was some big case. You didn't look so bad, in fact you looked relaxed and somewhat happy. That made me angry: here I was hurting and you were obviously close to that woman who looked like the dead woman you had loved so much." She confessed ashamed.

"I'm sorry, Harm. I really am. For leaving without a notice, for losing our baby and for only telling you now." Meg was barely holding back new tears and once again Harm wrapped his arms around her.

"It's okay, Meg. Everything will be okay." Harm was too overwhelmed to be able to say anything else. They stood there for a few minutes, relishing the comfort of someone holding you.

Then Harm decided that they should change the topic. "So, tell me, Meg, how is your family doing?" They'd made amazing progress for today. There was plenty of time to get everything else sorted out.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Please, review and tell me what you think!


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